BacLOVEn Revisited

Disaster has struck. My mirror and I have decided to split up. I realised my mirror-love was unnatural and ultimately unsustainable, due to the obvious differences between our two situations. And the mirror decided it was fed up with having to be wiped down with Kleenex all the time.

Actually, my mirror-love was as a consequence of a sudden, large, increase of baclofen. I shot straight up from 175 to 250mg/day in the hope of thrashing down some really crappy anxiety/panic attack type stuff I suddenly had going on.

When titrating up on baclofen, we see changes to our emotional reactions. Often people notice they're more relaxed in the company of others, or more attracted to people they wouldn't otherwise be. Our emotions are often amplified so we feel love or even hate and disgust, when before we may have overlooked or ignored the feelings. Often these changes occur incrementally with just 10mg increases in dose. So a leap of 75mg can produce a more immediately noticeable effect. This can be a useful tool when we find ourselves in an unwelcome state of mind. But then again, those who have difficulty with a 10mg increase will most likely suffer horribly with a 75mg jump.

Baclofen is supposed to reduce anxiety. Many believe it works as a cure for alcoholism by reducing the anxiety that caused us to become alcoholics. I think that's far too simplistic. Yes, lots of people report a reduction in their level of anxiety, often quite soon after starting baclofen, and their need for alcohol is also reduced. But I don't see a certain causal link. Being an alcoholic can itself cause anxiety (as well as a beer-gut, a reduced bank balance and occasionally, mysteriously broken knuckles) and many people have absolutely no change in their anxiety levels after taking baclofen. Saying anxiety creates the alcoholic is as simplistic and inaccurate as saying everyone drinks alcoholically because of childhood trauma, or the love of partying, or the thrill of waking up in police cells and being touched up by a huge, ginger- bearded, Glaswegian who insists on being your boyfriend for the evening. In my opinion, there is more than one path to this particular hell.

The bac increase worked ... kinda. I lost the panic attacks but had three days of completely freaking out with a strange adrenalin crash type feeling. Not fun. But what was fun was the period of euphoria that followed. I was at ease. I was at one with the world. I felt the sun on my skin and the wind in my (phantom) hair like I'd never felt them before. I even felt the earth beneath my feet, as if it were alive and breathing, which of course it is. I was connected to, and felt a warmth towards, everything in a way lost to me for many years. Not since the old days, when I would consume huge amounts of hash, had I felt so … just ... right. And I fell in love with everyone and everything, including my mirror.

So, the mirror-love was chemically induced after all. Bye bye mirror.