Drunk women perform a crucial public service: they shag men who would otherwise remain virgins. These men are generally either those with offensive personalities, a complete lack of social graces, are sickeningly ugly, have a cavalier attitude to personal hygiene, or possess some other trait or character flaw that renders them repulsive to women...unless the woman is drunk. If women failed to drunkenly service these hideous creatures, the men would otherwise be forever sexually frustrated, which in time could result in the most dreadful of consequences for society and the world in general. Imagine if you will, the horror of a George W. Bush not only power mad and intellectually retarded, but also with the kind of absolute, all-encompassing, devastating, anger that only permanent sexual frustration can cause. It's a dreadful thought. Thank the gods he had money and was able to get laid.
Some women choose to ignore this danger and, for entirely selfish reasons, become sober. While I do my utmost to dissuade them from such folly, on the whole, my female friends tend to ignore my advice. Women always think they know best. Pah!
So how do newly sober women find male companions, now they no longer wear beer goggles?They may not wish to blur the lines of professionalism by dating someone from their work and going to bars is a bit of a no-no, so where else could they meet men? Well, two of my friends have started to use on-line dating sites. It seems an eminently sensible idea; you get to read potential candidates' profiles and see their pictures, so you can weed out those who live in their mother's basements and have moobs. But the whole dating thing that follows is fraught with difficulties.
I used to hate dating, with all those unwritten, unspoken rules so easily broken. Should I stand up when she does and open doors for her, or is that regarded as sexist and demeaning? Should I pay the whole bill at the restaurant or offer to split it? In the cab back from the restaurant should I let her know I'd be interested in coming in for a coffee by pointing out how large my chubby is? (the answer to that one is NO ...apparently). If I am invited up, should I instantly accept, play it cool by suggesting we make it next time, or say “Really? Is this a joke? Are you trying to wind me up or something? Because if you're serious I'll have to nip to the all night chemist and get some rubbers 'cos I think the one in my wallet passed its use-by date a couple of years ago.”? The third option is likely to result in frustration...trust me. Oh yes and while I'm at it, although women claim to enjoy romantic gestures, shaving your pubes into the shape of a love-heart isn't one...I'm told. We just can't win! Well, that's not true, we can be awfully successful just so long as woman stay drunk.
Think on ladies! Don't let humankind down by causing inadequate males to be sexually frustrated.
I'd like to point out that I'm not one of those men, because apart from being devilishly handsome, suave, sophisticated a most magnificent conversationalist and exceedingly pleasurable company for any woman, I also have a huge knob. I just thought you ought to know.
TTFN
Murph
Yep. No question about it. Where would we (men) be without a large supply of drunk women? You're right...not only do they shag men who are virgins, they shag men who would otherwise be scared witless at the prospect of having and being responsible for offspring. You might say the whole human race depends upon women in sufficient numbers willing to get drunk.
ReplyDeleteI guess I would also ask you and your distaff readership (if any) where women would be without drunk men?
Cass
That's a good question Cass. I believe women can be broken down into two groups: hotties and pigs.
ReplyDeleteThe hotties would generally be better off with out drunk men in their lives and the pigs would be greatly frustrated and possibly resort to unnatural practices. However, there is something, other than alcohol, which can assist the pigs and that is a paper bag. The placing of a paper bag over the hideous countenance of a pig usually renders them shaggable. Although one must be careful not to allow the paper bag to fall off during the act, and in the case of a fearsomely ugly pig, the gentleman should also wear a bag over his head, just in case.
Murph
Murph, you are on to something! Pigs are shaggable by drunk men if they are "bagged", otherwise not! Hmmm, I mostly agree although, in my view, depending on the amount of alcohol ingested, some men will shag an unbagged pig. I myself have seen it happen.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you say hotties would be better off without drunk men. That begs the question of how to shag a hottie any way, any time. In my experience hotties will not shag any man, drunk or not, unless they are themselves either drunk (which is hard to do...most hotties have little understood antibodies which prevent them from getting drunk no matter how much they drink) or unless they perceive that there is something in it for them. This latter requirement is often hard for the average man to fulfill since it requires the man to be already rich, already famous or already a giant horse's arse, which you and I know most of us aren't and never will be.
So how, in fact, can one of us regular guys shag a hottie?
I think plenty of hotties probably drink too much. I know in my case, nobody has ever suggested I put a bag on my head. ;) I drank so much, that I now take baclofen to stop it.
ReplyDeleteWell done Murphy. This blog has the ability to reach even more people. Kudos!
so, i, too, have been cured by baclofen and am no longer a drunk. i never accidentally shagged while drunk, that i can remember. should i extrapolate from all of the above wisdom that the reason i'm not currently enjoying any shags might be bacause i'm never drunk? please do advise. (but don't tell me to go back to getting drunk; i've got too much to do while sober.)
ReplyDeletespeaking of too much to do, i am one of those referenced friends who has joined an online dating service. but i can't be bothered. i've been sent dozens of matches that i haven't even peered at because i'm too busy living life. thanks, baclofen! in one of my many activities i'm sure someone worthy will come along. and he won't be a pig OR wearing a paper bag. and i WON'T be drunk.
J and rudy b, I'm absolutely certain no paper bag would be required when shagging either of you, I've seen your pictures and you're both smoking hot.
ReplyDeleteCass: "So how, in fact, can one of us regular guys shag a hottie?"
Rohypnol is a godsend!
Rudy
ReplyDeleteMurph's the expert but I'll be serious (just for a moment) and say that the really good shags come when you reengage, just as you're doing. No AL, enjoying your job and your son, the rowing...Have I got that right? The rest will just come (No pun intended!)
Murph
Rohypnol? :) That doesn't sound like the rugger in you! No, I think the key to shagging hotties is relentless pursuit...Its a fine line between pursuing and stalking, I know :) but the thing about hotties is that there is always a pebble of doubt at the core of their hotness. Am I really, really that hot? they wonder...the successful dude seizes on that pebble and gives the hottie the reinforcement she needs, all the while knowing that there is really no question. The hottie is hot! My two cents...
ergh. cassander is right! i can't believe that guy i shagged cause he waxed my wounded ego! he was persistant as a hound dog after a buried steak! and i caved. now i know why, so thanks, cass.
ReplyDeleteand cassander, yes! reengaging is the solution. you've got it all right, but soon snowboarding will take the place of rowing... whee!
ReplyDeleteOMG Rudy, that's awful. How could any man behave so abominably? What an absolute bounder. Some cads will plumb any depths just to get into the knickers of poor unsuspecting totty.
ReplyDeleteHey, do you remember that time we had sex?
No?
Rohypnol, baby!
oh and murph, just keep writing like you do and i'm sure you'll get a good shag or two with a hottie. no bags or drinks will be necessary.
ReplyDeletemurphy, oh how i miss some posts! what the hell is rohyphinol? and no, i DON'T remember our shag!!! but i DO rememeber all of those times we DIDN'T. dammit. you're a tease.
ReplyDeleteStreet names for Rohypnol include "rophy", "roachies","ruffles",
ReplyDelete"roofies, "ruffies", "roofis","ruff-up", "rib", "roach (R2)", "roche", "rope", "ropies", "circles",
"circes", "forget it", "forget-me-pill", "Mexican Valium".
Rudy, that's a memory you share with almost every woman who ever meets me. The poor, poor devils.
ReplyDeleteJ, you know way too much about rohypnol. So that's how you spend your your Saturday nights eh?
Don't 'they' wish Murph. ;)
ReplyDelete